Home » Off topic » Off Topic » Joke of the Day
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50518] |
Sun, 28 February 2010 10:16   |
farouk 
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half litre of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, a small orange juice, a few lettuce, a 500grams can of coffee, and a 1kg package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to pay,a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly"
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50519] |
Sun, 28 February 2010 10:18 |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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Two blokes bump into eachother in the supermarket. Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't find mine either, how about we go and look for them together? Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well, she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke, let's go and look for yours!
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50553] |
Mon, 01 March 2010 10:15 |
hanzo
Messages: 100
Registered: December 2009
Location: Cape Town |
Senior Member |
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His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'
'Why?' asked the pilot.
'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50556] |
Mon, 01 March 2010 10:39 |
hanzo
Messages: 100
Registered: December 2009
Location: Cape Town |
Senior Member |
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>
> *Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time
had
> come.
> He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the
baby. **
> She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
> 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
>
> 'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the
doctor
> spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
>
> The doctor then delivered a little girl.
> He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty
lil
> ting, too....'
>
> Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,
we
> aint got done yet, !' * *The doctor then delivered another boy and
said,
> 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !' *
> *
> Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
> The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that
> happened during conception.'
> Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
> *
> *When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
down
> with his wife and said, * *'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran
out
> of
> Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.' *
> *
> She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
>
>
> Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a ******* good ting we didn't use
Q20
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50568] |
Mon, 01 March 2010 13:48 |
PROPPIES
Messages: 230
Registered: January 2009
Location: ZULULAND |
Senior Member |
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The Moral of This Story is ......BRILLIANT!!!!
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.
The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches
I will feel the mist
from the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches
That fish will jump for the fly...
and I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank
of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches...
and that fish leaps for it...
that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish.
I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is
enough activity on one river bank,
but I can tell you there's more.....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
' Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...
And that fish jumps for that fly..
And that bear grabs for that fish..
The dumb hunter will shoot the bear
And drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,
(as was fashionable to do on the banks of
this particular river around lunch time)
' Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..
And that fish jumps for that fly
And that bear grabs for that fish
And that hunter shoots that bear..
And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich .
Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he
heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks....
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story...
Whenever a fly goes down three inches,
Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
didn't see that one coming, did you?
WORKING ON SECOND MILLION, FIRST WAS A NO BRAINER
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50610] |
Tue, 02 March 2010 10:35 |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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An Israeli doctor says : "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." !
A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of
One person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
Weeks.
A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced
That we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."
A South African doctor says: In my country, We just took a man who was corrupt and made him President, and now the whole country is corrupt.
Finally
A US doctor: not to be outdone, says: You guys are way
Behind, We just took a man from the Bush with no brains - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50626] |
Tue, 02 March 2010 12:48 |
PROPPIES
Messages: 230
Registered: January 2009
Location: ZULULAND |
Senior Member |
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My wife and I went to the Royal Show and one of the
first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding
bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was
a sign attached that said,
' THIS BULL MATED
50 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled
and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign
attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST
YEAR'
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more
than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that
said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL
MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY
learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it
was with the same old cow.'
My condition has been upgraded from critical
to stable, and I should eventually make a full
recovery.
WORKING ON SECOND MILLION, FIRST WAS A NO BRAINER
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #50697] |
Wed, 03 March 2010 09:30 |
PROPPIES
Messages: 230
Registered: January 2009
Location: ZULULAND |
Senior Member |
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WHITE" Pride?
I have been wondering about why Whites are racists, and no other race is......
Proud to be White
"There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans.
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'... and that's OK..
But when I call you, Ni**er, Coon, Towel head, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink .... you call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Yom Hashoah. You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP. You have BET....
If we had WET (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists. If we had a White Pride Day, you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce, and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that??
A white woman could not be in the Miss Black American pageant, but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.
If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.
There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US .. Yet if there were 'White Colleges', that would be a racist college.
In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.
You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.
You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.
I am proud.... But you call me a racist.
Why is it that only whites can be racists??
BE PROUD TO BE WHITE!
It's not a crime YET... but getting very close!
[Updated on: Wed, 03 March 2010 09:31]
WORKING ON SECOND MILLION, FIRST WAS A NO BRAINER
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #51483] |
Tue, 16 March 2010 16:55 |
joshua
Messages: 668
Registered: June 2009
Location: By the SEA |
Senior Member |
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down the window and asks, "what's going on?"
"Terrorists have captured Jacob Zuma, Winnie Mandela, Julius Malema and Jackie Selebi, and they are asking for 310 million rand ransom, otherwise they are going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We are going from vehicle to vehicle taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average."
"About a litre!"
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #51486] |
Tue, 16 March 2010 17:15 |
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Danish
Messages: 66
Registered: July 2009
Location: Pretoria |
Member |
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Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt,
tsunamis to arise,
hurricanes to sway around,
no one is taught how to choose a husband/wife,
natural disasters just happen.
"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try"
"its ok to lose money, we can make it back, but lose the balls, and its game over."
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