Home » Off topic » Off Topic » Joke of the Day
| Joke of the Day [message #43046] |
Mon, 21 September 2009 10:20  |
farouk 
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43059] |
Mon, 21 September 2009 12:00  |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43084] |
Mon, 21 September 2009 14:26 |
Bark
Messages: 88
Registered: November 2007 |
Member |
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers to his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43094] |
Mon, 21 September 2009 15:25 |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43162] |
Tue, 22 September 2009 10:40 |
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Danish
Messages: 66
Registered: July 2009
Location: Pretoria |
Member |
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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
halfway
through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education
is
developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will
teach
our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!', his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that
program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll
get
him in the course.'
So... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
boy
calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe
this.
They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
that
program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the
year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he
shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is
all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read
something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before
we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in
the
recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to
me
and asked, 'So, is your daddy still screwing that little redhead barmaid
at
the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he
talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
"You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try"
"its ok to lose money, we can make it back, but lose the balls, and its game over."
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43218] |
Tue, 22 September 2009 14:55 |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...
"Iron this!"
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43276] |
Wed, 23 September 2009 09:43 |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but couldn't figure out how to cross it.
The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river."
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, courage, and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him the skill to chop down a tree and fashion it into a rowboat; he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two,so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, courage and ability to cross this river." Poof! God turned him into a woman, and he walked across the bridge
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43277] |
Wed, 23 September 2009 09:50 |
farouk
Messages: 958
Registered: August 2009 |
Senior Member |
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Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should reconsider their beer consumption.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned....
Yep it reminds me of those cronies from this forum.
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43280] |
Wed, 23 September 2009 11:04 |
joshua
Messages: 668
Registered: June 2009
Location: By the SEA |
Senior Member |
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There was a Horse and a Chicken playing in the barnyard. Suddenly the Horse falls into a pit. The horse shouts at the Chicken " Go call the farmer. Save me! Save me!"
The Chicken goes to look for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmers BMW and drives it to the pit, lassos the Horse and pulls him out of the pit.
The Horse says, "thank you, thank you, you saved my life, I owe you." Then a couple of days later they are playing again and the chicken falls into the pit, and he shouts to the Horse, "call the Farmer, save me! save me!"
So the Horse says, "dont worry I will save you." The Horse stretches over the pit and says, "grab my Willy."
The Chicken grabs on, the Horse stretches back, and saves the Chicken's life.
SO WHAT'S THE MORAL OF THIS STORY????????????
If you have a Willy the size of a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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| Re: Joke of the Day [message #43281] |
Wed, 23 September 2009 11:08 |
joshua
Messages: 668
Registered: June 2009
Location: By the SEA |
Senior Member |
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| farouk wrote on Wed, 23 September 2009 11:04 | The perfect man is gentle
And never cruel or mean.
He has a perfect smile
And is always neat and clean.
The perfect man likes kids
And will raise them by your side.
He will be a caring father,
And good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking.
He will clean and vacuum, too.
He'll do what's in his power
To show his love for you.
The perfect man is sweet,
Writing poems with your name.
He's a best friend to your mother
And will kiss away your pain.
He never makes you cry
Nor caused you hurt in any way.
To hell with this endless poem --
The perfect man is a gay zionist.
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"He also makes his own Dresses"
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